This came up in my timeline memories from a year ago, and it made me think, really think about the year I had just had. I wrote when I utterly lost. I was during supporting a loved one through  depression and suicidal thoughts. The message was short and bitter sweet. 

 

” This will be the worst and the best year of your life; cry, laugh and embrace it. Learn to lean on your support but continue to go forward. “

 

It was such a simple little letter, but it made me cry. Still does if I can share with you that secret.

 Cosita,

It’s been a little over a year since I  wrote that message above. I’ve cried, I’ve wept even. Great big unattractive tears that leave you puffy and red. More importantly,I  have kept moving!

 

They don’t tell that depression, when you are supporting someone with suicidal idealisation, is contagious.

The leading charities on mental health, depression and suicide, recommend self-care. Great words, but vague at a time that you need practical step by step guidance.

What is self-care when you worry about depression and suicidal thoughts of a love one?

Important, that is what it is.

You will  most likely  continue on like I did. You will read all the guides on depression and suicidal thought. They will tell you to listen and not judge, they will tell you to stay with them till they are safe. What they won’t tell you is that you must scream shout and make as much noise to get the professionals to help. It’s their job to help, their responsibility not yours to provide the medical and mental support.  Depression, suicide and self harm are medical situations that the mental health team treat,  you are the support to your loved one. it’s imperative, important, vital for your own mental health that you find the right people to support you too. 

Instead, all that information is internalised as a task list and You get caught up in the illusions that not only are you in control, but that you are responsible. Sound familiar? Somehow you have taken on the burdens of another person’s life.

 

It’s important to stop here, and rest with me. If you have  read this far you probably see yourself on all too familiar grounds. With a huge question mark,

“What do I do when someone is suicidal?”

Firstly, you put your own mask on! And you damn armour because you are going to need it. I’ll be straight with you the path is long, expect it to be so there is no surprises.

Fill up your emotional bank.

 Take the time to do the things that make you happy, at the beginning of the journey. And if your mid journey like me start today. Go for a walk, wash the dishes in peace, garden. Whatever it is that is your happy place do it. It’s needed and if your love one was able to hear it, it’s a prescription for them too.

 

Accept, that ultimately you have a supporting role in this. It’s not your battle, it would be easier on you if it was, so seek your own support network too.

When you have an emergency, everyone knows that you call for help. The only proactive thing you can do is call for help. Encourage your loved one to seek help but don’t push they will be ready when they are ready.

I called every charity I could, and I mean everyone. Charities that offered counselling, signposting anything that could help to support a person that has depression and suicidal thoughts. I made as much noise as could to bring help and made them do their job so I could go back to be the support my love one needed.

So that’s another lesson I learnt that year.

Not My Circus Not My Monkeys.

The truth of the matter, as hard as it is to hear, you are not in control of someone’s else’s depression. You can’t heal them, you can show them that life goes on and how to do it. But you can only do that if you do it. Grow, do the things that make your life worth it, it is all too fleeting!

I’ll impart the wisdom that was given to me by the wonderful volunteers at Samaritans. Given while I was sat in a puddle of tears and snot at a gruesome 1am. This isn’t your responsibility or your fault, you are doing the best you can, trust yourself, and trust them. Whatever happens you will be ok.

 

HOTLINES!

 

Website: https://www.samaritans.org/
Samaritans – for everyone
Call 116 123
Email jo@samaritans.org

Website: https://www.thecalmzone.net/
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – for men
Call 0800 58 58 58 – 5pm to midnight every day

Website: https://papyrus-uk.org/
Papyrus – for people under 35
Call 0800 068 41 41 – Monday to Friday 10am to 10pm, weekends 2pm to 10pm, bank holidays 2pm to 5pm
Text 07786 209697
Email pat@papyrus-uk.org

Website: https://www.childline.org.uk/
Childline – for children and young people under 19
Call 0800 1111 – the number won’t show up on your phone bill

Website: https://www.thesilverline.org.uk/
The Silver Line – for older people
Call 0800 4 70 80 90